Toby Kuhn – Cello


Boy (1)
Cello (1)
Vintage Classical Music (all you have in your cellar)
Good Teacher (at least 1)
Serious Education (a large handful)
Theory (lots)
Frustration, Boredom (have some handy)
Slovenian Olive Oil (2 tbsp)
Fresh Ideas (whatever’s in season)
Balkan Homemade Rakija (one large bottle)
Jazz (1 tsp)
Metal (1 tsp)
Blues (1 ladle)
Funk (yeah!)
Exotic Influences (just a pinch)
Gipsy Spices (from your garden)
Cheesy Pop (one bottle, but don’t tell your mom)
Groove (never enough)
Feeling (lots)

Take the Boy, preferably young and tender, and marinate him thoroughly in the Vintage Classical Music. When he’s old enough (around 7) put him in a pot, add the Cello, and stew in the Classical marinade at medium heat for many, many years. Stir occasionally, with feeling.
As you go, add one (1) Good Teacher. After he’s been cooking for fifteen years, add the Serious Education, the theory, and a few more Good Teachers. All through the process, while still adding feeling, sprinkle liberally with Boredom and Frustration.
When the Diploma rises to the surface, you know the boy is cooked.

Take him (and the cello) out of the pot, and put the stale Classical Juices aside in case you need them later (or you can give them to the cat, frankly it doesn’t matter), and throw what’s left of the Boredom and Frustration away, they don’t come into the recipe again.

Next, put the Cooked Classical Cellist in a pan with the Slovenian Olive Oil, and turn the heat on high. Sauté him in the Jazz, Blues, Metal and Funk (yeah!) along with some Fresh Ideas. Throw the Exotic Influences and the Gipsy Spices into the mix, and stir in a large dose of Groove, with feeling. Now add some guitar and bass techniques along with yet more Groove. Surreptitiously add the Cheesy Pop (but don’t tell your mom).
Finally, flambé it all with the Balkan Rakija, and take a swig yourself, you’ve earned it. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Et Voilà!



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